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Grief support helps families heal after loss of a child
By Nissa LaPoint
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Photo by James Baca/DCR |
Today, Nov. 2, is All Souls’ Day, which remembers the departed.
When telling others about her children, Megan Daly’s 6- and 8-year-old daughters will stop to remind her of the true number in their family.
“‘Mom, we’re really an ‘eight’ family, not a ‘six’ family,’” Daly said her daughters, Therese and Alexis, will tell her.
With her husband, Mike, Daly has taught their four children about the dignity of human life and remembers their two miscarried babies during nightly family prayers.
They’ve sought support for their grief of losing two children by talking with others and recognizing their babies’ lives in a dignified burial at Mount Olivet Cemetery, she said.
“These babies were real, even though we never got a chance to meet them,” Daly said. Every year in the United States, 6 million women become pregnant and 2 million of these pregnancies are lost, according to the American Pregnancy Association.
Of these losses, 600,000 women experience a miscarriage and 26,000 women experience a stillbirth. The association estimates that 27,864 infants born every year will die before their first birthday.
At Exempla Lutheran Hospital in Wheat Ridge, Karen Rhoades, solace coordinator, will see 10 to 15 miscarriages a month, although miscarriage cases in the emergency room are not included in her count, she said.
For those women seeking support after miscarriages, stillbirths or sudden death, the hospital offers a solace program and a five-week support group.
“I think it is something people hesitate to talk about,” Rhoades said. “For many women it’s a very real big loss, and it can be minimized by society or even well-intentioned friends or family.”
Good Samaritan Medical Center in Lafayette partners with Exempla Lutheran’s program. Swedish Medical Center in Englewood offers a similar seven-week program called “Assistance with Grief.” St. Anthony Hospital in Westminster no longer offers a birthing unit or grief support, said Bev Lilly, public relations manager for St. Anthony.
Finding grief support was difficult for Lisa Winkler who buried her second miscarried baby, Stephanie, at Mount Olivet in October.
“In a lot of situations a miscarriage is handled very medically,” Winkler said. “It just happens and they move on—but as a parent, you don’t.”
Winkler and her husband, Stephen, along with the Dalys, found healing and grief support through Mount Olivet Cemetery and its charitable burial assistance for lost babies. Babies lost through miscarriage or who are stillborn or die from natural causes may be buried without charge in a communal burial, said Laura Zabel, funeral director at Mount Olivet.
The proper and respectful burial was helpful for Mike Daly, he said.
“The thought bothered me that the (hospital) would just throw away our little one in a biohazard bag,” he said. “The Church in its goodness has recognized the beauty and dignity of life in the womb. It was tough but also helpful to see our little one in a casket.”
After a couple loses a child, hospital workers may also refer them to a support group, faith-based program or church, Rhoades said.
St. Mary Parish in Littleton, All Souls Parish in Englewood and Guardian Angels Parish in Denver offer general grief support programs. It’s uncommon for couples to seek support for lost babies at St. Mary, said Caroline Chihoski, who ran its “Footprints” group for 15 years.
Everyone seeking support is educated about the grief process and will share their experiences with each other, Chihoski said.
“If you have people who understand that you will (repeat your story) and are patient with you, then you can work through the grief much better than you would otherwise,” Chihoski said.
The most beneficial part of healing for Megan Daly, had been finding other mothers who also had miscarriages, and talking it through with them. Now she and other mothers, like Winkler, offer support to others who experienced the same thing.
The Daly family planned on visiting their daughter, Mary, who died in 2007, and son, Dominic, who died in 2008, at their graves at Mount Olivet on All Souls’ Day.
“I don’t know if everybody does it, but for us, they’re always a part of our family,” Mike Daly said.
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