HOMEPAGE for this issue: July 27, 2011 // Download PDF Version // Click to install/update Adobe Reader on your computer

Love and marriage after the death of a spouse

By Julie Filby

Dick Gormley struggled with the words “Thy will be done” when praying the Lord’s Prayer after he lost his wife of 38 years, Judy. Judy, who he had known since elementary school, died in May 1999 from complications following surgery a month earlier.

When Dolores Aiello grieved the loss of her husband Paul in 2004, after 46 years of marriage, she not only battled sadness, but non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma as well.

Both Dick, 72 this week, and Dolores, 77, looked to God and their parish community at Spirit of Peace Church in Longmont (now St. Francis of Assisi) for support during these painful times. Little did they know after praying for each other for years, from a distance, that God would bring them together.

On July 16, 2005, Dick and Dolores were married.

Faith in grief and recovery

Through his practice, Wisdom Counseling in Littleton, Catholic counselor and spiritual director, Patrick Maloney, has counseled individuals who have lost their spouse.

“How people deal with the loss; often the loss of hopes and dreams,” he said, “is really unique for everyone.”

Maloney said the general stages of grief—shock, denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance and integration—provide a good framework for explaining the emotional processes involved.

“When it feels like ‘all is lost,’ it can feel very dark,” he said, “that’s understandable and normal—it doesn’t feel good, but it’s all part of the process.”
Faith can play an important role in the process.

“People who have faith, have hope,” he said, “As an individual moves through those experiences, faith can guide them to understand ‘I’m still here for a reason; I still have a purpose.’”

The Gormley’s faith influenced, and continues to influence, their journey.

A friendship grows

Dick and Dolores knew of each other at Spirit of Peace when Judy was hospitalized and died, and through the years up to Paul’s passing, but neither knew each other personally.

“Our awareness (of each other) during those years was largely due to praying for each other’s families,” said Dolores.

After her husband’s death and recovery from her own illness, Dolores began attending daily Mass.

“I accepted that it was God’s plan for my survival,” she said, “and that ‘life goes on.’”

Dick was also attending weekday Mass regularly and had became a Stephen’s Minister, a ministry that provides one-on-one care to parishioners-in-need by “being present and listening.” Dick was also involved with establishing a widowers’ support group at the parish—a group that continues to meet twice a month.

Triggered by his involvement in Stephen’s Ministry, Dick approached Dolores one morning after Mass and asked how she was doing after all she’d been through.

“We soon realized we had very similar spiritual values, and both enjoyed playing golf and bridge,” Dick said. “We started seeing each other regularly after that.”

After months of socializing together with family and friends, they announced their engagement in March 2005.

“When we look at decisions we made and events that have happened, both before and after we met, we realize it was God’s plan that we be together,” said Dick, who reflects on daily Mass readings every morning with his wife over coffee. “We believe God was involved in many of the decisions and actions we made leading up to our meeting and eventual marriage.

“We thank him for these blessings every day.”

While they respect the memories of their previous spouses, including birthdays and anniversaries, they focus on the present.

“Our focus is more on our lives (today) and to enjoy the gifts God has given us,” Dick said, “Rather than reliving the past.”

The couple, now parishioners at St. John the Baptist in Longmont, celebrated their sixth wedding anniversary two weeks ago.

“We encourage others to recognize that life goes on,” Dolores said, “and it’s up to each of them to enjoy life by deciding how to live their life and what’s … worth pursuing.”