September 3, 2008

The dating game isn’t over when the wedding ends
For a relationship to flourish, it must be nurtured
By Lisa M. Petsche

Recently my husband and I celebrated 16 years of marriage. We’re not much more than newlyweds, though, compared to my parents, who just marked their 46th wedding anniversary.

In today’s fast-paced, me-oriented, throwaway society, it’s an increasing challenge to keep a marital relationship alive and healthy for a lifetime.
Unfortunately, many people are under the illusion that if only they choose the right mate, their marriage will effortlessly and continuously be wonderful, involving sustained passion and little or no conflict.

Such fairytale notions of destined lovers and perfect matches, while appealing, are unrealistic. However, in this era of instant gratification, many people don’t want to acknowledge that successful marriages require an ongoing investment of time and effort, or that they involve compromise and sacrifice.

In her best-selling book, “Surrendering to Marriage: Husbands, Wives and Other Imperfections,” journalist and speaker Iris Krasnow contends that even in a good marriage, partners will not feel happy all of the time. She urges couples to recognize and accept that feelings of boredom and resentment are a normal part of any long-term relationship, and that there may even be times when we’d like to pack it in. We should interpret these feelings as a sign that we need to work harder at fostering intimacy, not a sign that it’s time to move on.

Adjusting our expectations leads to increased marital satisfaction, Krasnow writes. When the going gets tough, our understanding that difficulties are inevitable and can be overcome will sustain us. Moreover, the marital bond becomes strengthened through facing tough times together with determination and faith.

If a marriage relationship develops serious problems, it’s important to seek professional help as soon as possible. One means of facilitating healing is a Catholic ministry called Retrouvaille—meaning “rediscovery”—which focuses on restoring communication in order to rebuild intimacy. It involves a weekend retreat and several follow-up sessions. Information is available from parish priests and at www.retrouvaille.org.

As we emphasize in the marriage preparation program I help facilitate, marriage is a primary relationship that needs to have top priority in both spouses’ lives. They must make a conscious, ongoing effort to protect it from potentially destructive outside influences, including well-intentioned but sometimes demanding relatives and friends, career advancement and other individual pursuits, technology (satellite television, the Internet, cellphones and pagers) and the popular culture.

Unfortunately, especially once they are parents, partners’ lives can easily become so busy that they no longer spend much time communicating on an intimate level. (Talking about the kids and instrumental things like bills and errands doesn’t count.) But their relationship, if it’s to flourish, must be nurtured on a regular basis, in spite of other obligations.

My husband and I, for example, have been going on monthly dates ever since our first child was born. Usually we go out for dinner or for an evening walk followed by coffee and dessert.

Even if it’s not feasible to regularly get a sitter and go out on formal dates, there are many creative ways to build in quality time. It can be as simple as sitting down together to talk about your day after the kids are in bed, instead of automatically turning on the television or computer.
When my sisters and I were young, my parents would periodically postpone their dinner until after we were in bed. They’d order Chinese food and enjoy a distraction-free meal in the dining room, complete with candlelight and wine. It was a time to really connect and enjoy each other’s company.

Attending a Marriage Encounter weekend is another good idea. The program targets couples whose relationship is healthy but could use some enrichment. (For more information, call your parish rectory or go online to www.wwme.org/.)

Marriage veterans can attest that loving your partner in an ongoing way is a conscious decision involving activity and continual growth. This long-term commitment to the development of another, and to building a Catholic family together, involves moral and spiritual obligation.
Without question it’s a challenge, but well worth the effort. Because a good marriage is a source of refuge from the trials and tribulations of life, providing fulfilment and joy while mirroring God’s unconditional, everlasting love for us.

Especially in this day and age, it is truly an accomplishment of which to be proud.