September 15, 2010

Expert offers advice for Catholics marrying a non-Christian

By Julie Filby

About one-in-five Catholics (22 percent) are in a religiously mixed marriage, according to a 2008 study by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life: 14 percent married Protestant Christians, 5 percent married someone “Unaffiliated” (atheist, agnostic, or “nothing in particular”) and 3 percent married someone from “All other faiths” (such as Judaism, Buddhism, and other world religions).

As implied by the data, a mixed-faith marriage can mean combining two Christian denominations with relatively similar beliefs, or it can mean navigating two vastly different belief systems.

“I strongly encourage engaged couples to exercise caution in preparing for a mixed-religion marriage,” said Elizabeth Walker, Ph.D. and licensed clinical psychologist. “Like any couple, they must take the time to truly discern their vocation and God’s will for their lives.”

Phil Webb, director of the archdiocese’s Office of Marriage and Family Life, said comprehensive marriage preparation is essential in helping couples work through questions and challenges that arise after the wedding.

“I recommend couples spend time exploring their differing beliefs,” he said. “How they influence them now, and their future decisions as well.”

He pointed out that “Religion isn’t just church on Sunday,” referring to a paper published by Evelyn Lehrer, professor of economics at the University of Illinois at Chicago—it also influences ideas about raising children, how to spend time and money, friendships, professional networks, even where to live.

Tienne McKenzie—raised Catholic and currently a parishioner at St. Thomas More Church in Centennial—married husband, Dan, raised with no religion and currently agnostic, 11 years ago. They carefully considered their differing beliefs through Pre-Cana classes and by meeting with priests on several occasions before their wedding.

“Dan took the initiative to study the doctrines of the Church before we got engaged, so I felt confident he knew what he was getting into when he agreed to abide by the guidelines of my faith in our marriage,” Tienne said. “I talked extensively with him to make sure he understood and accepted that our children would be raised in the (Catholic) faith.

“Dan acquitted himself marvelously in every circumstance,” she said.

Though their marriage has faced challenges, at times it’s difficult to distinguish when disagreements are based on religious differences.

“It’s hard for me to say, ‘This issue stems from our religious differences while this one doesn’t,’” she said. “Like any marriage, we have our disagreements…the things we fight about are things that even Catholic couples could find themselves in disagreement over.”

While not seeing eye-to-eye on Catholic concepts such as theology of the body (Pope John Paul II’s teaching on human sexuality), the couple is open to life and are raising their two children, ages 4 and 7, in the Catholic faith.

“I’m the one responsible for instilling faith and teaching the kids about God,” McKenzie said. “I take them to Mass every Sunday. I teach them to pray and remind them to say grace before meals, offer up their sufferings for those less fortunate, and think about what God would want them to do when they’re faced with a choice between good and evil.”

When struggling with division brought about by religious differences, Catholic spouses are encouraged to avoid the temptation toward religious apathy.

“The biggest mistake a Catholic spouse can make is to avoid fully living the faith in hopes to ‘preserve peace’ in the marriage,” Walker explained “On the contrary, a Catholic spouse who embraces his or her faith with sincerity can be a powerful and loving witness.”

The vocation of marriage calls couples to encourage and support one another in God’s plan for salvation with respect, patience and humility.

“It’s been difficult for me to separate the discussions we have about faith and religion from the marriage itself, and honestly, I believe that’s why God led me to Dan,” Tienne said. “I pray to the Holy Spirit for wisdom, offer Masses for Dan’s soul, and learn as much as I can about faith so I can defend it with logic and eloquence. Most all of, I recommend to choose to love your spouse for who he or she is, with no expectations that they will ever be any different than they are right now.”

Though it is not reasonable to expect one’s spouse will convert to Catholicism after marriage, the “Catechism of the Catholic Church” indicates: “Sincere married love, the humble and patient practice of family virtues, and perseverance in prayer can prepare the non-believing spouse to accept the grace of conversion” (CCC 1637).

“Only the Holy Spirit, in his own time, can bring true conversion,” Webb said. “It’s important to continually offer your marriage to our Lord’s care, and not to your own expectations.”

To avoid feelings of isolation, Catholics in interfaith marriages are encouraged to seek out a network of support and community through parish events and ministries; and organizations such as prayer groups, Bible studies and parent groups.

“It can be tremendously comforting to be in such settings. Through social support, we feel connected to others and often learn new ways of coping with life’s challenges,” Walker said. “Even in the midst of dark times, it’s important to spend time each day offering prayers of thanksgiving and gratitude; and in doing so, we often gain a new perspective on things.”

Resources for spouses in interfaith marriages
• Contact parish for ministries such as Bible studies, prayer groups and parent groups
• www.5lovelanguages.com: “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
• www.theologyofthebody.com: “Theology of the Body” series
• www.catholictherapist.com: To find a Catholic marriage counselor, or contact your parish priest