June 16, 2010
Father’s role crucial in children’s lives, expert says
By Julie Filby
Kids inherit traits from their parents: long legs or short, blue eyes or brown, a sense of humor or a more serious demeanor. More important, parents pass values and spirituality on to their children.
A man’s influence is essential, just like a woman’s, since fathers and mothers play different roles in the vocation of parenthood.
“Men and women are wired differently, they think differently,” explained James Stenson, longtime educator, family life consultant and author of “Father, the Family Protector.” “Men have instincts, attitudes and physical strengths that empower them for tough-minded, sacrificial service to those people who count most in their lives, starting with their families.”
Fatherly protection and leadership is provided in a number of ways: physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, socially and spiritually. Fathers empower children so they, in turn, can later protect themselves and their loved ones.
“Remember that you’re raising adults, not children,” Stenson said. “A father’s job is to lead children to become competent, responsible, considerate and generous men and women. Think of what your children will be, not just what they will do.”
In his experience, women—as specialists in interpersonal relationships—tend to set the moral tone of a household. While fathers, who naturally specialize in justice and charity, enforce it.
“A father, especially when kids approach adolescence, should say: ‘Everything your mother ever taught you about right and wrong is true,’” he said. “It’s true now and 20 years from now.”
Forming character and conscience are high priorities, as these lessons stick with children for life.
“Our conscience is God teaching us about right and wrong through our parents,” Stenson said. “It’s the memory of our parents’ voices. We hear both parents, and for some reason the father’s voice dominates in the conscience.”
Fathers can be strong spiritual leaders regardless of where they are in their own spiritual journey.
“Just do it,” said Deacon Steve Stemper of St. Thomas More Parish in Centennial and father of four age 16-22. “Don’t worry about not being ‘worthy’ or feeling hypocritical. Hardly anyone is where they want to be on their spiritual journey, but no matter where you are, God will bless and help you.
“Just like muscles get stronger from frequent use, so it is with faith,” he said.
Ideally, a father will have an active faith life and strive to fulfill the two great commandments to love God and love neighbor.
“This is carried out in the way he lives his day-to-day life,” said Deacon Stemper. “You don’t have to be totally on fire with the Holy Spirit to be a great spiritual leader. But you do have to carry out a few simple steps—steps any father is capable of, no matter what their current relationship with God is.”
Pray
Pray for God to increase your own faith.
Model that going to Mass every weekend is non-negotiable, even when on vacation or if you don’t feel like going.
Pay attention at Mass. Children should see you praying, not glancing at your watch.
Lead dinner prayers every evening, even at restaurants.
Remind children to pray at bedtime or other times during the day.
Stop by the church with your children during the week to visit the Lord.
Teach by example
Show respect, understanding, affection, support and appreciation to your wife.
Teach honesty and trust by always telling the truth.
Model forgiveness by seeking it from God and others you sin against, such as your children.
Go to confession regularly. Take the kids, but don’t force them to go: “If you’ll just wait here and pray for me, I’ll just be a few minutes then we’ll go get an ice cream.”
Never use God’s name in vain.
Read Scripture; or attend a class, program or retreat that bolsters faith.
Be present
Don’t miss small opportunities to talk with your kids—while driving, doing dishes or tucking them in.
Praise your children, and be specific about it.
Both boys and girls want to spend time with their dad, whether it’s a household project, going to a movie or shopping, or stopping for ice cream or coffee.
Know your children’s friends, particularly someone they are dating.
Some men fall back in their relationship with their daughter when she reaches adolescence, this is a mistake. Stay involved in daughters’ lives, spend time together and encourage them to dress modestly.
Children imitate people they admire, and in a sense, a father is an embodiment of a child’s image and concept of God.
“We all imitate people we admire,” Stenson said. “When children see their father responsible to a higher power, they respect him more and tend to obey him more, and adopt his attitude toward that higher power for life.
“He’s powerful, strong, affectionate, and willing to forgive,” Stenson said. “Yet he should not be ‘messed with.’”
Resources for fathers
Web and TV
Knights of Columbus fatherhood initiative
www.fathersforgood.org
Parenting leadership articles and book
www.parentleadership.com
U.S. bishops’ marriage and family initiative
www.foryourmarriage.org
“All Pro Dad” fatherhood program
www.familyfirst.net
Dr. Ray Guarendi’s parenting books and tips
www.drray.com/tips.htm
Crossing the Goal ministries
A sports format to encourage men to get into spiritual shape
www.ewtn.com/series/crossingthegoal
Groups and events
Contact your parish for men’s groups and events
http://www.archden.org/index.cfm/ID/4/PARISHES/
That Man is You! weekly interactive program for Catholic men
www.thatmanisyou.org
Knights of Columbus fraternal organization
www.kofc.org
Rocky Mountain Catholic Men’s Conference (May 7, 2011)
www.rockymountaincatholicmensconference.com
Additional Books
“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
www.5lovelanguages.com
“The New American Bible”
www.usccb.org/nab/bible
“The Catechism of the Catholic Church”
www.usccb.org/catechism/text
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