November 18, 2009
Overcoming ‘invisibility’ as a single in the Church
By Julie Filby
Consider the circumstances of these three individuals:
• A 28-year-old that just bought his first house, eager to explore a new neighborhood and social scene.
• A 45-year-old divorced mother who never dreamed she’d be raising three boys on her own.
• A 60-year-old man who was looking forward to spending his golden years with his wife, when she died unexpectedly.
While each is at a very different place in life, they all share something in common—they’re single.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau in 2008, nearly 96 million people, or 43 percent of Americans age 18 and older, are single. This includes those never married, divorced or widowed. Being single is more prevalent today for a number of reasons including less societal pressure to marry, people marrying later in life and a higher divorce rate.
As the number of unmarried adults increases, singles are a growing demographic of the Catholic population. In a Church that emphasizes vocations to religious life and married life—are singles left out?
“Defining ‘single person’ is not as easy as it may sound,” according to the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops’ Web site. “Some are single by circumstance and some are single by choice. There are those who are single yet open to the prospect of marriage, priesthood or religious life—and there are those who feel called to live the vocation of the single life. Some find themselves single again after separation, divorce or death of a spouse.”
Best-selling author and speaker at the recent National Catholic Singles Conference, Mary Beth Bonacci, explained two distinct types of vocations.
“There’s ‘vocation with a capital v’—giving yourself completely in religious life or marriage,” she said. “Then there’s the ‘small v’ vocation, which is what God carves out for each of us based on our unique situation and his individual love for us.”
It’s the responsibility of every person to join with Christ, to find meaning in their life and to trust in God’s plan for them.
“We need to meet God where we are, with whatever happens in our lives—the good, the bad, the heartbreak,” she said. “That’s where the emphasis needs to be for singles.”
Single parishioners need to reach out to benefit the overall health of the parish and to improve the unity of Catholic social life. And all Catholics should be sensitive to including single parishioners in the community.
“I know people that have left the Church because they feel abandoned when they are going through a divorce or suffering the loss of a spouse,” said Marlene Luth, co-chair of the archdiocesan Catholic Singles Association. “They need to feel the Church understands and cares about them.”
Bonacci suggested the “invisibility” of singles can be a cycle that’s difficult to break.
“Singles feel left out because they’re not addressed,” she said. “But because they feel left out, they ‘hang out around the edges’ and the parish doesn’t see them.”
In his theology of the body Wednesday audiences delivered from September 1979 through November 1984, Pope John II described the “communion of persons.” This concept, using the family as the prototype, explains that man was created not only in the solitude of his humanity, but also in the communion of persons.
“Singles need to be with families, and families need to be with singles,” Bonacci said. “We’re all called to live in the communion of persons—that isolation can be deadly.”
Single persons should be aware of invitations and experiences that may decline because they are single. There are events and organizations for Catholic adults of all ages, interests and marital status—including parents’ groups, Bible studies, fraternal service associations, prayer groups and senior ministries. Many parishes also have groups comprised mainly of single adults (see sidebar). These groups offer friendship, fun and an environment to share and grow in faith.
Romantic relationships may develop within these groups, but it’s not the focus.
“We’re not in the business of matchmaking,” Luth said. “Our mission is to reach out with compassion and leadership to singles.”
Bonacci agreed that participants are best served when the focus of the group remains on the spirituality of single life.
“They need to offer something substantive,” she said. “Something that brings the single person closer to Christ in their current life—for however long he or she is going to be single.”
She warned against centering life around searching for a spouse.
“Make Christ the center of your life,” she said. “It’s a much more satisfying way to live.”
For singles groups and events, contact your parish office or the following organizations.
Last Supper Club
Singles and couples, age 20-50s
Meet monthly for dinner on Sundays after 6:30 p.m. Mass at Cathedral
Contact: Join Facebook page, or contact Anna at 720-309-5321 or basqueza@aol.com
Catholic Life and You (CLAY)
Single and couples, age 20s through seniors
Community service, retreats, outdoor activities, happy hours and prayer vigils
Contact: Visit www.claydenver.org, call 720-244-1951 or e-mail info@claydenver.org
Archdiocesan Catholic Singles Association groups (generally age 40+):
Southwest metro area (St. Frances Cabrini, Littleton)
Meets even-numbered months on second Wed., wide range of activities
Contact: Marlene at 303-795-2006 or marleneluth@msn.com
South metro area (St. Thomas More, Centennial)
Meets Saturdays after Mass followed by dinner, sponsors several dances each year
Contact: Richard at 303-794-4432 or stmsingles@gmail.com
Southeast Catholic Singles (Church of the Risen Christ, Denver)
Organize Friday gatherings at restaurants, parties, retreats
Contact: Kim at 303-759-9312 or secatholicsingles@gmail.com
North metro area (Singles in Spirit)
Offer events such as hiking, concerts and dining out
Contact: Denley at 303-517-4629 or denleyk@aol.com
Catholic Alumni Club
(metro-wide)
Catholic club for professional men and women, age 21+
Contact: Visit www.caci.org/cac/colorado.html or contact Jim at 303-469-4767 or cacofco@hotmail.com
Beginning Experience
(metro-wide)
Programs and retreats for singles grieving a loss (spouse, loved one or marriage)
Contact: Visit www.beginningexperience.org or contact Mary at 303-758-4857 or tllskr@comcast.net
Beyond matchmaking, these sites build Catholic community through events, discussion forums and activities:
www.catholicmatch.com
www.avemariasingles.com
www.catholicthrive.com
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