October 28, 2009

Cohabitation: one couple’s story of conversion

By John Gleason

In the July 29 issue of the Denver Catholic Register, a story appeared on cohabitation before marriage. In it, experts from the Church and secular world shared their thoughts (supported by national statistics) on why the practice is not a successful path to a long-lasting marriage.  Below is an interview with a couple who did cohabitate, but in the time leading up to their marriage decided to discontinue that practice to prepare  themselves mentally and spiritually for the sacrament of matrimony.
Western Slope parishioners Mike and Toni (not their real names) have been married for a decade and have several children.  Mike works outside the home while Toni is a homemaker.  After beginning marriage preparation classes the two quit cohabitating and began to live as brother and sister until their wedding day.  They agreed to share their story with the Denver Catholic Register so as to encourage other couples to see the benefits of waiting until matrimony to live together.

DCR:  How did you end up cohabitating?
Toni: We’d known each other for almost four years before we got married.  We met while living on the East Coast and began dating.  Then Mike came out to Colorado for a job and for awhile we maintained a long-distance relationship.  Eventually we decided that I should come out and join him and we’d live together.  The main reasons were emotional and financial; we were crazy for each other, we wanted to be together and it was easier to maintain one residence instead of two.

DCR: How and when did you come to the decision stop cohabitating?
Toni: It was when we began the marriage (prep) and NFP (natural family planning) classes that we started to talk about it.  I have to say at the time I wasn’t a very well-formed Catholic.  To me it was perfectly normal to live with your boyfriend and use birth control, but upon reflection the act was totally desensitizing.  And the fact is that for a woman to use birth control (oral contraceptives commonly called “the pill”) is not good for her health.
Mike: I’d call it a conversion experience.  When the marriage preparation classes started, we weren’t pounced upon with the idea of not cohabitating.  It was one of the topics covered in the class, along with NFP and communication skills.  But what made the impression for us was the testimony of a married couple, our mentors in the class, and their journey about discovering the sacredness of the sacrament of matrimony. That got us thinking.  We felt encouraged to live apart and abstain from conjugal relations until marriage.  No one judged us for choosing the path we did.  It was simply encouragement and support—very positive.

DCR: So is it fair to say that upon hearing this testimony, you came to this decision together about no longer cohabitating and neither one of you needed more convincing?
Mike: No, we were both in agreement after beginning the class.
Toni: We knew this was what we wanted to do.

DCR: And once the decision was made was it difficult to put into practice?
Toni: Yes and no.  I suppose it would have been even easier if we had maintained separate residences but neither of us had family here so we decided to live under the same roof but in separate bedrooms.  We looked at it as a challenge.  Of course it was difficult, but at the same time it made sense. 
Mike: It was a major decision, but we were heading to the sacrament of matrimony; here was our goal and we knew it was going to be a challenge, but not insurmountable.  What we were doing wasn’t forever; it was achievable.

DCR: So you made this decision and put it into practice.  Did you see any difference in yourselves?
Toni: I was raised a Catholic, but during college I adopted the attitude that all religions are good—that they all had something positive.  I didn’t have a clear understanding of my faith.  For me, this was the beginning to get back on the path of being obedient to the Church and renewing my love for God and the faith.  It didn’t happen overnight, but it certainly was a first good step. 
Mike: There is no doubt it got us off to a good start.  I feel it helped us welcome God in our marriage and reminded us that there are other things that come before us, such as raising children. It taught us not to be selfish.

DCR:  Your journey has been blessed and fruitful.  What advice would you have for others who are currently cohabitating with thoughts of marriage in their future?
Mike: Simply, I believe it’s a great way to learn that love is sacrifice.  That’s what Jesus taught us when he died on the cross; that you’re going to have to make sacrifices.
Toni: What I think people have to remember is that sacrifices are a good thing as it brings them closer to God.