July 29, 2009

Quick quizzes can inspire conversations by married and engaged couples

Catholic News Service

Mary Carty’s book, “PMAT: The Perfect Marriage Aptitude Test,” should not be read alone and placed on the bookshelf to collect dust. Instead, it should be shared with a loved one and kept readily available for later reference.

Written for engaged and married couples, the book is divided into several chapters dedicated to different aspects of life that might present obstacles to marital bliss. Within each chapter is a short opening and a list of multiple-choice questions related to real-life scenarios: think GMAT, MCAT or SAT but without the timer and the calculator.

Carty actually encourages readers to take their time to read and answer the questions. And although there is an answer sheet (No. 2 pencils optional), answer D is open for the readers to fill in their own responses.

The scenarios are not only fun and enjoyable to read, they also can spark meaningful conversations between a couple. Perhaps a particular circumstance—such as a partner mowing over a prized iris bed—never happens in the readers’ lives, but the situation might encourage a discussion that is realistic.

Reading the book together also can be a good way to connect with a spouse. It is a joint activity that forces a couple to take a moment and focus just on themselves and their relationship. Carty’s book is unique in that it is an activity book for two people. It does not preach but it does encourage conversation and offer suggestions.

Carty illustrates each chapter with a snapshot of a wedding-cake topper staged amid life’s situations. Among other lighthearted scenes, the plastic couple is placed in front of a bed (the chapter on balancing sex, intimacy and personal boundaries), a Christmas tree (the chapter on family and friends) and a carnival scene (the chapter on food, fitness and health.) The photographs are a nice break from those awkwardly staged model-like snapshots often seen in self-help books.

Although the entire book generally is centered on communication—whether verbal or nonverbal—two chapters directly address communication.

Carty first gives a comment that a spouse might say, such as “There’s no food in the refrigerator. What’s for supper?” Then she presents three possible responses ranging from outright negative to solution-centered common sense. This chapter encourages a couple to analyze the consequences of their responses. This helps the reader realize that caustic or sarcastic responses are hurtful to a partner and harmful to the relationship. Open, warm responses stop a fight before it starts.

The other chapter gives basic communication tips. Carty presents seemingly obvious suggestions, such as be respectful and understanding. However, as many couples know, respect and understanding can be forgotten in the heat of an argument or in the day-to-day nuances of married life. To be understanding, Carty says, “try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see his/her side of the issue.” In this chapter, Carty stresses the importance of knowing that a person cannot change another person and that body language matters.

Carty also offers interesting solutions. When there is a roadblock in communication due to a problem, she suggests that the couple write down pros and cons and gather more information. This is a solution that most couples may not think of in the heat of the moment but when used, it can provide the couple time to cool down and revisit the subject by reading each other’s thoughts.

Although the book does not offer groundbreaking advice or solutions, it does have a lot of “duh, we should have tried this” moments. Carty’s book is fun, important and a solid read.

Regina Linksey is a former assistant international editor for Catholic News Service and, as of June 27, a newlywed.