January 21, 2009

Putting the marriage before the wedding

By Tracy Kmetz

I couldn’t believe it. We had just had the biggest fight of our relationship – about photography. My wise mother’s words from a week or so earlier, suddenly echoed loud and clear: “Photography? Now Tracy, you told me just weeks ago that the sacrament was what was most important to you.”

Thank you, God, for the wisdom of our parents.

I had always dreamed of getting married. In fact, in recent years, I felt called to it. That is to say, whatever mission or purpose God had for me in my life, I grew more and more convicted that it would be accomplished in my marriage.

So, when God brought James into my life, I felt such a wonderful mix of peace and incredible responsibility. God had answered my prayers in the most amazing way, bringing me someone who “fit” me in every sense of the word.

He had also decided that I was ready to take on my life’s mission: to reveal Christ’s love specifically to this person, and to the family that would be born from our union.

Like any newly engaged bride-to-be, however, I quickly became engulfed in the hundreds of details and decisions involved in this game called “wedding planning.” I, by nature, am a perfectionist. I love to-do lists. I love crossing things off. And I couldn’t wait to plan the wedding of my dreams.

But what happens when the wedding becomes more important than the marriage? What happens when the fantasy becomes more important than the reality?

Six weeks after a proposal that would have knocked any girl’s socks off, I found myself anxious, moody and somewhat disconnected from the man I loved.

“How could this be?” I asked myself, for I still knew absolute peace that God was calling me to this marriage.

The answer lay in prayer—or in the lack thereof. Suddenly, the planning had become bigger than the person. Even more important, the person had become bigger than God. I knew God had been our matchmaker, but when had I given him thanks? And in these moments of understandable overwhelm, when had I asked for his help?

The answer to both of these questions was “rarely, if ever.” Yet, thanks to the reflection and discussion facilitated by the archdiocese’s required marriage preparation programs, I was able to regain perspective and return to the Lord who loves both James and me.

I can remember, at one point, looking at my checklist, and sighing in frustration upon realizing I needed to add these programs to it. In just three lines, I thought, I had added at least a hundred hours of “work” to my timeline. It is true that these classes demand work.

It is also true that they forecast some conflict. Yet, I am grateful for the discussions they have spurred between James and I.

Our society’s divorce rate currently hovers at 50 percent. Nearly half of all marriages eventually end in divorce. Every couple is a bit different and the reasons behind a divorce are varied. Yet I believe that all engaged couples, regardless of their style, seek to avoid divorce in their future.

A wedding and a marriage are two very different things. The wedding is one day—a beautiful day, full of laughter and dancing and graces. A marriage, however, consists of a lifetime of whoknows- what.

I often find myself imagining the many joys that await James and me. I dream of the day when I give birth to our first child, or of the thousands of laughs we’ll enjoy in the kitchen or on the couch or in bed.

But I also know that we’ll encounter struggles, whether it be in how we budget, how we process stress or even, God forbid, how we survive the trauma of unforeseen tragedies, namely the loss of a loved one, perhaps even our own child.

Neither the photographer nor the florist nor the baker can prepare us for those moments. Only God can do that. And the Catholic Church, in her gentleness and her wisdom, seeks to equip us with every tool we’ll need to survive, and to beat those frightening divorce odds.

And so, I continue on in the wedding planning game. But more important, I embrace the class discussions, the lectures on CDs, and the natural family planning classes. I run to the sacraments, to Christ in the Eucharist and in the sacrament of reconciliation.

I am called to this beautiful sacrament called marriage. I am called to be Christ to James each and every day. May God strengthen me every step of the way. As Mary prayed, so too do I: “I am the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me, according to Thy word. Amen.”

Tracy Kmetz is Communications Officer for the Denver Archdiocese.