Archbishop's web site Denver Catholic Register Parishes Catholic Pastoral Center
December 4, 2002
To stay close, stay connected despite long distances
Tips on maintaining family ties through technology when you're miles apart
By Lisa M. Petsche
My family recently returned from a week's vacation in Florida. Those who don't know us well assumed our purpose was to visit Disney World. What actually drew us down there, though, was a desire to visit my older sister and her husband.
They used to live nearby, but career opportunities lured them south eight years ago, when my daughters were 3 and 1. To the girls, they became invisible people who sent birthday and Christmas gifts, and with whom they spoke on the phone periodically. My son was born the following year, and it felt strange to think Cecile and Philip knew him only through photos and my descriptions.
Eventually they began annual visits, once they were established in their jobs. Still, my children lacked a true sense of where their aunt and uncle lived and what their life was like. And they hadn't met Maggie, their cherished golden retriever.
After making a few solo treks to Florida, I vowed to my husband and kids that the next trip would include all five of us.
Predictably, our seven-day stay was action-packed and memorable. Together we went to the beach; collected caterpillars; walked, groomed and played with Maggie; did homework; played games and puzzles; watched movies; shopped; went to parks; shared many meals; attended Mass; and even participated in Cecile's water aerobics class.
From now on, when the kids communicate with Aunt Cecile or Uncle Philip, they'll be able to put them into context, envisioning their home, neighborhood and typical activities.
In today's highly mobile society, it's increasingly common for members of a family to be scattered geographically. They may see each other only once a year or less. I consider myself fortunate to live in the same area as most of my family. For some people, staying close to home or returning after a period of time away means sacrificing career opportunities and changing lifestyles. Priorities can shift over time, though, especially once a person gets married and has children.
There are many advantages to having extended family nearby. Practically speaking, it means grandparents or other relatives are available for babysitting and other kinds of help. Conversely, adult children are in a position to assist frail parents or grandparents with errands and household tasks. Close contact with grandchildren can also help ease a widowed parent's loneliness and provide a sense of purpose.
Other advantages of strong family ties include: emotional and spiritual support from people with similar values and beliefs; an identity-affirming feeling of belonging; the validation and enjoyment that comes from sharing memories, some perhaps long-forgotten; and the sense of continuity that comes from knowing one's roots. Intergenerational contact also fosters an appreciation for the rewards and challenges that each life stage brings.
Fortunately, there are many ways to keep connected with relatives who are far away, including the following:
•Post photos of them around your home — on the refrigerator door, mantel, etc.
•Peruse family albums with your children, sharing memories.
•Regularly send photos and share information about the kids' current activities and interests, to keep relatives up-to-date.
•Set up a schedule of regular phone calls. Also have your child call right after receiving a gift or attending a special event, while his or her excitement level is high.
•Mail artwork, local news clippings and favorite cartoons.
•Create and send a cassette tape of your child singing favorite songs, reciting a verse, giving a speech, telling jokes or describing a special occurrence.
•Videotape events such as birthday parties, recitals, sporting events and awards ceremonies (borrow or rent a camera if necessary) and send a copy.
•If both households are online, correspond by e-mail, send digital photos and scan drawings and school work-for example, a short story or poem, a perfect test or a glowing report card.
•Call just prior to or during special occasions and let them know they're in your family's thoughts.
While it's possible to have a close relationship without being geographically close, a concerted, ongoing effort at both ends is required. It pays off, though. And when you're lucky enough to be together in person, those times are all the more enjoyable and meaningful for all of you.
Lisa M. Petsche is a clinical social worker and free-lance writer.
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