Archbishop's web site Denver Catholic Register Parishes Catholic Pastoral Center
July 31, 2002
Home routines nurture child's long-term development
Over-scheduling children can result in too little time for family, relaxation
By Sherri A. Watkins
Catholic News Service
Amidst a recent dinner-party conversation, the father of three adult children was overheard remarking, "I'm now convinced that the primary purpose of parenting is to teach your children how much better a job they could do at parenting."
While eliciting nervous chuckles, it inevitably raised among parents the nagging question, "Am I doing enough now to ensure their success later in life?"
"One of kids' biggest problems today is peer pressure," said Tom McGrath, family-life editor for U.S. Catholic magazine, "not the pressure from their own peers, but amongst parents."
Many parents, when financial resources allow, try to provide their children opportunities that they may not have had, enrolling their children in such activities as ballet classes, piano lessons and sports camps and competitive leagues.
Parents often work from the impulse "If I'm going to be a good parent I have to do all this." Yet, such overscheduling falls short in nurturing development of long-term skills and tends to subtract from family health as time that could be spent together is turned over to outside interests.
"And it might not be in the best interest of the child who might truly need some down time, some mulling time. What parents really need is the virtue of prudence, to discern what the child needs and figure out what to do when."
Whether enforcing bedtimes and mealtimes or consistently worshipping as a family, all family members need routine. "With routine we have predictability. Kids feel secure and rooted in their home life and that enables them to exercise creativity to go off on roads of their own," explained Leif Kehrvald, coordinator of Family Faith-Building Services at Saint Mary's Press in Winona, Minn. "With clarified expectations, there is less conflict and the routine provides a wonderful connection to the experience of ritual for children and parents."
Surrender to external forces threatens to consume those families lacking sufficient structure to withstand the onslaught of competing demands, Kehrvald said. Living without limits often erupts in crying and tantrums in younger children as well as "aggressive behavior or possessive-type behavior, an indication the child is looking for where the boundary is," he added.
In teens, one may observe lethargy, "countless hours plopped down in front of the television as their way of asking, `Where's the boundary? What's expected of me?'"
Recognizing they have veered off course can be "a great impetus for parents to seek another path," said McGrath. Yet, he added, when trying to re-establish some boundaries, "it's going to be disruptive, just like any other habit you're attempting to break."
"Don't be dictatorial," McGrath said. "Sit everyone down and explain what you're trying to do along with the potential benefits: more family time and less conflict. Really make it a family project by soliciting their input."
Faith is the key ingredient to healthy family living, Kehrvald said. "The home is called to be a school of discipline and discipleship. The spiritual development of our children happens in the most ordinary events of our lives as we recognize the sacredness of the mundane."
He urged parents to consider six key moments in daily family life as opportunities for fostering healthy living through the establishment of simple, but regular rituals: exits and entries; bed time; car time; meal time; memory-making time; and sick time. For example, consider a commitment to a simple blessing as each family member departs for work or school, or prepare a special box of games, toys and books that only comes out when a child is ill.
"Parents need to be awake and aware," ever mindful of the need for balancing commitment to routine with flexibility, McGrath said. Scheduling one-on-one time with every family member facilitates addressing divergent needs, he added, noting that that might mean an afternoon wandering in a hardware store with one child and later engaging in a more structured activity with another.
With the reminder that "parenting need not be a sole enterprise," McGrath recommends bringing children into contact with other people with good values, providing them the opportunity to be "raised in a circle of adults who love them and interact with them and care about them."
Making time for worship "adds depth to your time," he said. "You gain perspective on life and your priorities, rather than engaging in a series of one activity after another."
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