Archbishop's web site Denver Catholic Register Parishes Catholic Pastoral Center
May 22, 2002
Abuse scandal leaves parents wondering what to tell the kids
Parents should talk to children about appropriate behavior, experts say
By Joe Bollig
KANSAS CITY, Kan. (CNS) — Given the prominence of stories in the media and in ordinary conversations about sexual abuse by priests, there's a high likelihood that children, too, are aware of the crisis.
This leads parents to a difficult topic: How do we explain what is happening to our children?
Darren and Janet Moore, members of St. John the Evangelist Parish in Lawrence, have been compelled to deal with this aspect of the crisis. The Moores have three boys — ages 11, 8 and 3 — and one child on the way.
One day, their oldest son, Cale, a fifth-grade student at the Lawrence Catholic School, told them, "If there's something going on, I want to know."
"We told him that there were some priests in the Church who did things that were inappropriate, and we reiterated what we told him before," Darren Moore said. "We told him that if anyone touched him inappropriately — a friend, neighbor, priest, anyone — that he should get out of the situation as fast as he could — run, hit, scream, kick — and then tell a principal or other adult, and us for sure."
The crisis is acknowledged by the Moore family, but it is not dwelt on. They seldom watch television during the week.
"We talk about it, but it's not the focus of our conversations," Darren Moore told The Leaven, newspaper of the Archdiocese of Kansas City. "We try not to taint the way they view our parish priest. We still want them to be able to trust them and not put any baggage on them. At the same time, we want them to be aware of who they are with, in any circumstance."
The Moores have done the right things, said Joel Foster, a psychology resident at the Veterans Affairs hospital in Topeka and a member of St. John the Evangelist Parish.
"I think you first need to create a very open relationship with your children," Foster said. "You need to foster open and honest communication."
What parents tell their children will depend on the age of the children, what kinds of questions they ask, what kind of information they are receiving, and even what is going on in their parish.
"If they ask about a priest that has been removed from a parish (for proven sexual misconduct), I'd say that this particular priest did something very bad, that he acted in a way that hurt someone else," Foster said. He would then advise parents to explain that "the Church doesn't want this to happen. It doesn't want parishioners to be hurt or in danger.
"Then, wait for their response," Foster said. "If the child asks what the transgression was, you might explain that he acted in an inappropriate way, or touched someone in a bad way, or took advantage of someone in ways that a priest or even a family member shouldn't."
Susan Kraus, a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Lawrence and a member of St. John the Evangelist Parish, also stressed openness between parents and children. If parents suspect that their child has been molested, they need to handle the situation carefully, she said.
"When a child has been molested, it's maybe the first time in their lives that they have an unspeakable secret," Kraus told The Leaven. "This places a tremendous burden of shame and even guilt on the child, especially if the molester uses verbal manipulation, such as telling them that this is a secret.
"This is a crime that needs to be reported, but the emotional trauma for the child will be greater or lesser depending on how the parent handles the situation," she added.
"A parent could say, `I'm so sorry this happened. You didn't do anything to deserve this. Don't worry, we'll protect you,'" Kraus said.
If parents have not already taught their children about "good" and "bad" touching, and what is appropriate behavior and isn't, this might be a good time to introduce the topic, Foster said. It is also an opportunity to teach them something about the Church and the Catholic faith.
"I'd reassure them that the priests who did these things are a minority," Foster said. "They don't have to be afraid of the vast majority of priests any more than they'd be of anyone else. The Church doesn't condone this behavior, but the Church is not perfect. Its members sin. The validity of the Church is not based on the minority that does not follow its teachings.
"I think that reconciliation and forgiveness need to be part of the conversation," he said. "Justice is there, and anger is there — these are important things. But we need to strive to move beyond these to mercy, because that's the example of Christ."
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