Archbishop's web site Denver Catholic Register Parishes Catholic Pastoral Center
January 9, 2002
Couples should seek `partnership' beyond sharing responsibilities
Bottom line for a good partnership is mutual respect, not equality, expert says
By Kate Blain
In his 1981 apostolic exhortation, ``Familiaris Consortio,'' Pope John Paul II spoke of marriage as a couple's ``advance toward their own perfection as well as toward their mutual sanctification.''
But for Tom and Amy DeCelle of Latham, N.Y., their concerns center more upon whose turn it is to cook dinner.
Partnership in marriage is ``not making decisions without talking to the other person first,'' Amy DeCelle said. ``We live in the same house. It's like living with a roommate: It's equal, but then there's things we fight over.''
According to Mary Moriarty, who directs marriage preparation and enrichment for the Diocese of Albany, N.Y., most couples who call themselves ``partners'' define that as having equal responsibilities in their marriage.
``Partnership'' has become a catchphrase that can seem meaningless, she said. With many marriages ending in divorce, a couple calling themselves ``partners'' may believe that they'll have a better chance for a successful marriage, she added.
``I don't think there's a prescription anywhere'' for what partnership in a marriage involves, Moriarty said.
From a Catholic perspective, partnership includes ``a sense of equality,'' she said, adding though that marriage includes more than sharing responsibilities.
``You are given the grace through the sacrament of marriage to maintain the relationship and grow into the person God wants you to be,'' she said.
What does this mean in practical terms?
For starters, said Moriarty, don't worry about whether one partner has a dominant personality.
``That doesn't mean the partnership isn't equal,'' she said. ``One person may be more outgoing, but they still have joint responsibility to raise children, to be a life partner for each other.''
A good partnership in marriage also doesn't mean each person does half the dishes or half of the lawn, she noted.
``As long as there's an agreement," she said, "whatever the partners agree on is the contract.''
Partnership does involve negotiation, from accepting a partner's idiosyncrasies to moving across the country, she noted.
``To make a commitment to live the rest of your life together is a sacrifice,'' said Moriarty. ``You give up your freedom to date in order to have a lifelong partner. You learn new skills in order to maintain the relationship. If you have a night person and a day person, you negotiate when you go to sleep and wake up.''
Financial equality is another aspect of partnership. For the DeCelles, joint and individual bank accounts and credit cards have made each person responsible for their own bills.
Moriarty noted that people who've seen others struggle financially often want their own money or prenuptial or postnuptial agreements on dividing assets in case of a breakup.
However, she said that she believes ``it's a sign of partnership if both have equal access to the money and it's all in one pot.''
Moriarty noted several of the ``principles of partnership'' listed in the U.S. bishops' 1988 document ``A Family Perspective in Church and Society,'' including:
•Develop an atmosphere of mutual respect. Moriarty recommends a family meeting once a week where each person gets to speak on issues facing the relationships in the home.
•Each partner being self-defined. ``Develop your own talents,'' she said. ``If you immerse yourself in other people, you'll never know who you are. Then how can you share yourself with another person?''
•Accepting a partner's resistance to change. ``Sometimes we just have to accept old patterns, as long as they don't interfere with the relationship,'' she said. ``If you come home from work every day and need a nap, the household should accept that.''
The bottom line for a good partnership is mutual respect, said Moriarty, who cautioned that this doesn't necessarily mean equality.
``There are going to be times when you're strong and the other person is not,'' she said. ``But as long as it's not always unequal in the same way, it'll balance.''
Partnership in marriage may be important, she added, but marriage has to go further.
``You can have a partnership with anybody. We don't have a sacrament for partnership,'' she stressed. ``The Catholic Church has a sacrament for marriage.''
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