Archbishop's web site Denver Catholic Register Parishes Catholic Pastoral Center
October 24, 2001
Couples wanting to pray together urged to start simple
Grace, special intentions are easy ways to begin shared prayer
By Mark Pattison
The subject of praying may be even more awkward for young married couples than bringing up sex.
How do you pray? Do you pray? Should we pray together? Or separately? In silence, or should we talk out loud? Should we lay in bed and pray? Aren't we a little too old to be kneeling at our bedside?
If sex is considered by society to be only the business of two consenting adults, imagine how touchy it can be to discuss praying, which may be for some the most intimate act of all.
There are ways to break the ice to discuss prayer, according to two priests who have done much work with young marrieds.
"Couples find a hard time getting started on it,'' said Holy Cross Father John Phalen, who heads the Father Patrick Peyton Institute in Easton, Mass.
Prayer is seen by many as "very private, a different part of our life to let somebody else in on,'' he said.
Couples should "start with a simple grace before and after meals to get confident about talking to God,'' he suggested, adding that prayer then can be expanded to "special intentions for people who are in need.''
Another aid to prayer, Father Phalen said, is to find a time, a place and a space that can be considered "sacred'' for couples to engage in prayer. He said the couple can find a particular chair or a spot on the porch, noting that if they're both "morning people'' they can pray in the morning or if they're "night people'' they can pray at night.
What to say and what to pray also can be stumbling blocks.
Father Phalen recommended that couples consider praying the rosary, but noted that it isn't always necessary to talk in order to pray.
"People get nervous about praying because they think it's talking all the time,'' he said. "Praying is like conversation. You have to shut up once in a while.''
It's possible that adults start thinking more seriously about prayer as children arrive. But Father Phalen urged couples not to delay.
"It's best to be thinking about prayer first,'' he said. Then, he added, ``when children arrive, they're already in an environment of prayer.''
Make prayer important, Father Phalen stressed.
For "anything that's a priority," he said, "there's a time and a place for it.''
Franciscan Father Rock Travnikar has led retreats for couples. He's also expanded his book "The Blessing Cup'' to double the original 40 rites for family prayer-celebrations found in the 1994 edition.
Father Travnikar — "Father Rock'' to his friends — is another booster of the rosary as a means for couples to pray together. He also encourages husbands and wives to make Marriage Encounter and Cursillo weekends and couples' retreats to make themselves more open to prayer.
He recommends table graces as a starter, and emphasizes that once couples feel comfortable with the basics of prayer, they can improvise about things for which they are thankful or about which they are worried.
Prayer is good at Thanksgiving, a holiday where people recount their blessings. But, Father Travnikar said, "prayer isn't reserved to those events.''
Personal crises provide other times when prayer is expected and when one can grow in one's prayer life.
Father Travnikar said his parents had developed a strong experience of shared prayer. But when his father was in his last illness, it was physically impossible for him to pray with her, but, he said, "it was sufficient that she be there."
Contact Us
