Archbishop's web site Denver Catholic Register Parishes Catholic Pastoral Center
June 13, 2001
Seniors should refocus on marital vocation
Prayer, patience, humor help married seniors reconnect in new ways
Married couples making the transition to retirement should refocus on their marriage as a vocation and constructively discuss what God is calling them to do at this new stage of their lives together, say two experts working with retirees.
"What does retirement do? It pushes people together, and the quality, or lack of quality, in the relationship that has been there all along is going to be confronted,'' said Richard Johnson, a psychologist, director of the Association for Lifelong Adult Ministry and the Johnson Institute in Wildwood, Mo., and author of "Creating a Successful Retirement: Finding Peace and Purpose'' (Liguori Publications, 1999).
Married couples "have to come into retirement with the strongest marriage they possibly can,'' he said, adding that retirement is a lot more than a new way of looking at financial planning.
The social and spiritual aspects of retirement must be addressed, he said.
He and other experts encourage couples to disengage from their previous jobs so they can start a new life in retirement, to develop common interests in which they already begin to participate before they retire, and to be patient as roles change in the house when one or both of them retires.
Johnson encouraged married couples entering retirement to ask themselves, "what is your purpose now that you're retired'' and "what really is God expecting of us now.''
God's call to the couple in their retirement years must be at the center of their lives, he said, "not pushed away someplace.''
Daily prayer in retirement is "very important'' for the marriage, he said, as the couple can share time together to remember what God is asking of them in their lives.
Those facing retirement must psychologically disengage from their jobs and stop tying their self worth to working, Johnson said. "If they don't,'' he said, "they're still looking at themselves as `I either am or should be working,' and `my worth as a person is predicated on my working.'"
This leads to unhappiness — and the primary focus of that dissatisfaction tends to be one's spouse, he said, adding that it "can be a great marital stresser.''
Seniors who have retired should consider becoming engaged in volunteer work, he recommended.
"We don't know how to retire in this culture, we haven't prepared people,'' he said, noting that retirees often may end up watching a lot of television or going to gambling casinos and are not as fulfilled as they could be.
Develop common interests before retirement, Glenn Trembly, administrator and chief executive officer of the Villa St. Benedict Catholic retirement community in Lisle, Ill., encourages couples.
"You need to practice for retirement. Take time to do some of these things before you retire,'' he said. "Don't wait,'' he added, because people sometimes discover what they had been looking forward to doing in retirement is not what they expected it would be.
The couples' Catholic faith should be the "centering point'' of their retirement, he said. "That's extremely important and you've got to build on that.''
Kate Bird, a Catholic who works and lives in Washington, said her husband, Joe Volz, who recently retired, is enjoying life more and is willing to help more with household tasks, which they share according to what they prefer to do.
"The best part about it is my husband is happier,'' she said, adding that she appreciates all of the chores he now does, lessening the load on her at the end of her work day.
Having a sense of humor and openness with each other about "things that bother us,'' is important as a couple makes the transition to retirement together, Bird added.
Planning ahead for what a couple wants to do during retirement is important, said Bird, who hopes to retire in the near future.
"We didn't do a lot of planning before Joe retired in terms of how he's going to spend his time,'' she said. She noted that when she does retire "we're going to be in a good position to think about exactly what are the ways we want to spend our time now and what constructive things do we want to get involved in.''
Volz said retirement brings changes to a marriage and it is important for couples to be there for each other through the changes.
When she comes home from work, he said, "I listen to her'' and try to show that "I'm very much interested in what she's doing.''
"If you have a good marriage, I think then the chances are you'll have a good retirement,'' said Volz.
Contact Us
